Lost
by heartlandiansoisle
Summary: Jack is starting to fade away. How does his family handle it? Warnings: sadness, angst, death. Not a feel-good fic. I wrote this a year ago and it probably has like million grammatical errors, but I thought it was still worth publishing.
1. Chapter 1

_"Is that what all of this has always been about? That you are trying to save me from a life of taking care of you? It's honorable - but damn stupid. Don't you get- don't you get that I was all in? I was all in because… I loved you, not because I felt sorry for you."_ \- Lisa Stillman - 7x14

Lisa walked to Amy. She was saddling up Spartan and about the mount the black horse when a simple move of Lisa's hand stopped her.

"It's grandpa…" Amy explained when she saw how her step-grandmother protested her leaving. Lisa nodded and stared at the distance. She looked at the field, where a figure of an old man stood still, looking at something, too.

"I know. I'll go get him", Lisa told her and looked Amy in the eyes, trying to hold a smile even for a little while to assure Amy that everything was okay. But the younger woman saw the sadness and concern in Lisa's eyes and knew all too well that this was not the first time - nor the last - that she'd had to fetch grandpa from someplace and get him back home safely.

After walking for few minutes to the field that revealed the scenery right below the Rockies, Lisa reached Jack and gently laid her hand on his shoulder.

"Jack…" she said carefully and held her breath. Lisa never knew which version of Jack he would get this time. The man turned around and looked at her. Lisa gave him some time to get back to her. She knew he saw her, but at the same time didn't really saw her. There was confusion in the man's eyes, like he was somewhere far away, until finally, he smiled. He had made a connection.

"I can't remember moving the cattle away from the field", Jack spoke. Lisa tried to hold back her sigh of exhaustion. How many times had she explained this to Jack? How many times would he ask it anyway? How many times would she have to disappoint him?

"You don't have any cattle anymore. They are all at Big River. At Tim's", Lisa spoke. "Remember?" she added, even though she knew he didn't and she would just get something of a charade from him. She was right again.

"Oh yeah", Jack said, acting like he could remember it all. "Why was that again…?" he asked hesitantly after a while, revealing the truth.

"Because… we all agreed you're too old to look after them", Lisa explained. Jack laughed at it.

"Old? I'm not old, Lyndy! I'm hardly 50!"

Even though he didn't get angry at being accused of being too old for once - it was very exhausting when he did-, the sentence was still enough to break Lisa's heart. This happened all the time. Jack lived somewhere in the past and thought Lyndy was her. Or she was Lyndy, more-like. It was what came with Alzheimer's: he recognized that he knew Lisa, that she was a woman he had deep feelings for, but her name was hard for him to recall. Like he didn't know how to pronounce it right. So his brain picked up the first one that he associated with that feeling, with love. It was horrible for Lisa, but she knew it was not Jack's fault. This sickness was in control now.

"Come on. Let's get back inside, I'll make us some tea, okay?" Lisa continued to act as if nothing was wrong, to keep Jack calm. Sometimes it was best to act along, to avoid Jack getting confused. When he got confused, he got scared and when he got scared, he got angry. It was hard to watch and it was even harder to get him calm. After a while, he would change - it was like someone had pushed a reset button and suddenly he was asking what was for dinner, smiling the friendliest smile he had. It looked insane to someone who didn't know what was going on.

"Okay", Jack said, not realizing that something was off. Even though moments like this were almost easy for someone with Alzheimer's, it was anything but to the people around them. Most of the time the patients were oblivious of the situation, but their family and friends had to deal with it all. They had to keep up with all of its craziness, the mood swings and seeing their loved one disappearing in their very eyes, even though they were physically present.

At times they were aware that something was off, but that they couldn't do anything about it.

"Lis…" Jack spoke when Lisa was helping him get down to bed. Lisa's heart almost skipped a beat. She was so used to being called "Lyndy" or someone else at times, that it was as if she was beginning to forget her own name. The only ones using it daily were Ty, Amy and their children. The little family lived with her and Jack at Heartland, making it easier for Lisa to get some time off sometimes and just maintaining some kind of normal relationship with someone. Lou and her family came to visit sometimes too, but for the most part, Lisa was taking care of Jack on her own.

"Yeah…?" Lisa asked and tugged Jack into bed.

"I'm sorry…" he said. Lisa was confused.

"For what?"

"For being so lost", Jack said. His eyes were almost teary, captivating Lisa. She sat down next to him and touched his cheek. "I know that I'm losing myself. That I'm fading out." Lisa knew this was one of his rare moments of clarity. She listened carefully. "So many things I want to remember… disappear. And the things I would like to forget… stay."

"Don't you worry about that", Lisa said, trying to stay strong, even though she knew exactly what he meant. He didn't remember the anniversaries, the birthdays - or even how they had met. It was like she had lost him already, even though he was still here. She kept those memories alive on her own, not knowing if they had completely been erased from his mind or if they would pop up again sometime, someday.

"I knew this isn't the life you wanted", Jack looked her in the eyes. Lisa looked right back and tried to cover up her disappointment. He was right: she didn't want this kind of life, but with life - who could even choose? It did what it wanted. All anyone could do was adapt to the situation at hand. Sometimes you just didn't make your own luck.

"I wanted a life with you and that's what I got", Lisa smiled. Jack smiled a little, knowing that Lisa was just being brave. "You just get some rest now."

"Where are you going? Aren't you going to come sleep right here with me?" Jack almost seemed like a little boy.

"I still have to clean up in the kitchen. I'll be with you soon", Lisa tried to calm him down. Jack nodded. Jack was no longer able to help her around the kitchen, because he couldn't remember where things went and sometimes he would put them in weird places. Lisa always found items from places where they did not belong.

Before leaving the room, Lisa gave Jack a kiss, feeling blessed for knowing she was kissing the same man she had kissed on her wedding day.

Lisa was drying her hands in a towel and looking out of the window. The pile of dishes were now done and she was free to do what she wanted. She heard Amy slamming shut the screen door.

"Oh, you did the dishes already", Amy said. "I could've helped you."

Lisa turned to look at her.

"No, it's okay", she smiled. "I actually kind of like it. It gives me time to think." She put the towel away, just as Amy was taking off her boots. "The kids are asleep."

"Thank you. You're an angel. I had to do the night check and Ty is at the clinic–"

"I know, you don't have to explain it to me, Amy. I'll happily look after them whenever I can", Lisa said. Amy smiled. She knew Lisa had her hands full with grandpa, but it almost seemed like looking after the kids was vacation to her from it all.

"Thank you, Lisa. – How was grandpa…?" she asked then. She knew today had been one of those days. He couldn't tell whose kids her kids were and where everyone else was.

"He's asleep. He had a moment right before he fell asleep. He could tell who I was. And what was happening to him", Lisa said and leaned on the counter. Amy walked to the kitchen and took orange juice out from the fridge, while listening what Lisa was saying.

"Yeah? That's good", Amy nodded.

"Yeah… It just gets kind of weird sometimes. Like all these things… crazy things I would have not accepted years ago have become my norm. Just things I live with and go along with. Like he called me Lyndy again today", Lisa told her. Amy came and took a glass from the cabinet, glancing at the older woman.

"Oh…" Amy said sadly. "It must feel awful."

"It does, sometimes. But it's like part of him is back in those moments. Usually he's just so lost… but when he looks at me and something changes in his eyes… I know he sees someone he loves and that's what gets me through the day. I know he can't tell if I'm Lyndy or me, but if I start to think about it too much, I start to feel like a nurse to him, not his wife", Lisa went on. Amy listened carefully. Of course the situation with grandpa had made her think her life with Ty too, how could it not. How would she cope if the same thing happened to her? Or what if it happened to Ty? How would the kids take it? Being strangers to their own parents. But it had also gave them opportunity to talk what they would do, if this were to happen. "I live for those moments… Sometimes I just wanna quit, because I look at him and listen to him and I think "that's not the man I married". But then I remember, he is somewhere under there… and that's who I still love", Lisa smiled sadly. Amy put down everything from her hands, because she felt so weak for Lisa. "I try not to think about it too much, because… if I do, then I don't know how I will get anything else done. When it becomes so pointless and tiring– I'm sorry, I shouldn't say things like this", she felt ashamed.

"No. It's good that you talk. You shouldn't bottle it all up inside. And I get it, it's not perfect, it's so hard and I admire you so much. I don't know how you do it, but you make me wanna be better wife every day", Amy said and put her hand on her shoulder. "Grandpa is so lucky to have you. It's not easy to live with all these feelings, especially the negative ones, but it's what makes us human. And you are so tender with him even though I bet you just wanna scream sometimes and just get away."

"Thank you, Amy…" Lisa said and pulled her in for a hug. They held each other, both knowing how hard it was losing Jack to something they couldn't stop. All they could do was help him until he was finally out of their reach. It was day by day now.


	2. Chapter 2

Jack was putting a fire to the hearth when Amy walked in to the living room, holding two green cups of herbal tea. It had sort of always been their tradition to sit on the couch after a long day, talk about everything that was going on and spend time together, just two of them. The days were always a hassle, and Amy had noticed that even if she had always valued those moments with her grandpa in the past, it was almost like now they seemed even more important, because he was starting to show his age and it was a constant reminder that nothing in this world lasted forever and you could never take any day for granted.

"I got the tea", Amy said, sitting down on the couch when Jack put back the beautiful custom-made fire screen that had Heartland's logo in it.

"Oh, thank you", Jack smiled and stood up slowly. His movements showed Amy that his knees were getting worse as he knelt down and got up to do tasks like this. But when Jack had got his diagnose, he had insisted that they should keep on going like they always had - he had not changed, even though his body was. If he would be treated like a patient, he would go crazy.

"You need help?" Amy offered.

"No, no, I'm fine", Jack shook his head and gently rubbed his knees. "My damned knees just aren't what they used to be", he smiled a little, hiding his insecurity and disappointment behind a little bit of humor. "But the fire is lit now and you have the tea, so I can just put my legs up and give them a rest."

He walked up to Amy who handed him the mug. Jack touched her back lightly to thank her.

"Hey, do you mind if I put on some music? Grandma's songs have been playing in my head all day long and I can't get them out until I've listened to them?" Amy asked.

"Of course not", Jack nodded. "I love listening to her." He was pleased Amy wanted to cherish Lyndy just as much as he did.

Amy walked up to the old vinyl player, smiling. She picked Lyndy Bartlett's record and soon a song called "From This Day On" filled up the quiet living room. Amy loved the sound of those old vinyls. She guessed it was all about the fidelity, even if Ty always insisted songs sounded way better on cassettes. But Amy had figured it had something to do with his obsession on those old rock mix tapes he had in his car.

"Your mother really could sing", Jack said, looking into distance and bobbing his head a little to go along with the melody. Amy looked at him and wondered if he was talking about Marion or… "I think that was why I fell in love with her in the first place. I was not a very decent guy back then, I have to admit, and I was always up to no good, but… your mother, when she sang, the whole world stopped. She taught me to live in the moment."

"You mean Lyndy…?" Amy asked carefully, trying not to confuse grandpa but to keep herself in the loop, even though she had a pretty good guess that he was talking about Lyndy and not Marion - her actual mother.

"Yeah. What did I say?" Jack looked at Amy, trying to recall what he had just spoken. Amy nodded a little, deciding not to confuse him any further. So he thought she was Marion - it wasn't nothing new to her really. Everyone always said that she was almost like a spitting image of her mother. Of course it usually came with the realization that they were in fact two different people and not one person, like Jack thought.

Amy, Lou and Lisa had talked a lot about Jack's condition and how to act around him. Sometimes they felt the need to correct something, but a lot of times they went with the flow. It was easier. It didn't leave Jack confused or even scared of what was going on - whether they were acting crazy or he was. Most of the time he had no memory of having this sickness as part of his life, because the whole deal with it was that people with Alzheimer's forgot things. They just believed what their minds told them at the time. Of course it was sad for everyone involved, but sometimes Amy thought that grandpa was happier when he didn't know about it. It almost seemed cruel to remind him about it, so Amy just appreciated what she had - his company -, trying not to sweat about the "minor details". It wasn't Jack's fault and it wasn't something he could control, but making him feel comfortable was something Amy could - and she would try to do it as long as she could.

And it wasn't always like this. He had his moments of clarity, so it gave Amy the strength to deal with it when she was feeling sad about losing his grandpa like this. He wasn't totally gone just yet. In some way Amy almost felt like this was also a gift she could give to Jack. He had lost Marion years ago, way sooner that what was right, so this way she could still keep Marion very much alive to him. And meanwhile she herself didn't go anywhere either. It was like she was presenting both her and her mom.

"Could you sing for me?" Amy asked and walked up to the couch, positioning herself next to her grandfather. Jack looked at her, smiling modestly while he put his other arm behind her shoulders. "I'd really much like that."

"Well, I suppose I could", Jack said. Amy had noticed music helped Jack to remember things. Somehow the notes, the lyrics and the feelings it evoked came back better than faces, names and places. That way Amy felt Jack was more present when he was lost inside himself.

As Jack started to sing along Lyndy's verses, Amy leaned on him and closed her eyes, pressing this memory deep inside her own mind, hoping she would never forget him or this moment herself.


	3. Chapter 3

Jack wandered to the kitchen and stopped in front the table. The whole family had just had dinner, and Lisa had taken the chili that had cooked in the oven as they had enjoyed their lasagna to the Dude Ranch, leaving Lou to tackle the pile of dishes. The Dude Ranch was still up and running, even though the business had quieted down a little now that Amy was trying to balance her career and married life, Lisa was looking after Jack and Lou was expecting a baby brother for Katie and Georgie.

The older Fleming sister had offered to do the dishes as they were getting ready for another night. Amy was doing a night check and Ty was putting the kids to the bed. Their usual routine they had had for years was now shifting into something else. Jack couldn't tell the time anymore, so he only did work when he felt like it.

Oftentimes everyone else was participating on keeping up with the schedule: Caleb was doing more ranch work now that he was no longer going to the circuits and Amy did her own bookings and looked after the clients, keeping her own business under wraps now more than ever. Ty was their trusted vet, helping Amy to take care of the horses as they tried to figure out the pasts of the animals based on what they knew and what Ty could find out by looking at them and their condition.

Lou's family no longer lived at Heartland, ever since Lou was back working in the business world with Peter and they could finally afford the house of their dreams. They tried their best to take time for their family too, with the new baby on the way and everything. But even though Heartland no longer had the younger generation living under the roof, Georgie and Katie, Amy and Ty had brought a new life to the ranch with their own kids. Lisa and Jack had agreed it was a great way to keep them young too.

"Everything okay?" Lou asked from Jack when he had been standing there for quite some time, while Lou had been drying the dishes after rinsing them.

"Yeah. I was just…" Jack started a sentence but the thought got lost in the way. It was common, Lou knew. But instead of bothering him about it, Lou usually tried another kind of approach.

"Would you like to help me?" Lou asked, changing the subject. Things flew more easily when he had something to focus on. Jack turned to her and saw what she was doing. "I thought I'd help you guys out. I kind of miss it here sometimes - watching out of the yard and hearing the clocks ticking the time away… The silence. Doing something practical like washing the dishes becomes somewhat a luxury to me these days - and doing in it in peace makes it even better", she laughed a little.

"Of course I can help you", Jack smiled. "What would you have me do?"

"If you could put these back to where they belong, that would be great", Lou suggested and nodded toward the dishes.

"Absolutely", Jack nodded and took a pile of plates so he could take them back to the cabinet. Lou looked after him, trying not to make it obvious she was checking up on him. He probably couldn't even remember he was sick, so she didn't want to point it out and make him even more confused. "So, how you've been?"

Jack had asked that already while they had had lunch, but Lou was used to repeating herself. Not only because of him, but also because Georgie - like other teenagers - had a very selective hearing, as did her husband who was constantly lost in his mobile devices.

"How's the baby?" Jack narrowed it down.

"Oh, the baby's good. I went to doctor's the other day and everything is going like it should be", Lou was happy to tell him. The pregnancy was easier than it had been when she had been expecting Katie. It was like her body already knew what to do. And maybe going through that once had given her some peace of mind too.

"You know… I've been thinking", Jack said, returning to her, glancing at the belly and taking a clean pan into his hands, "about the names."

"Oh…?" Lou frowned.

"Like what we should call her", Jack said and walked to the fridge. Lou's eyes followed him. She knew and he knew, that the baby was going to be a boy, so something told her, that this was about the sickness. Lou decided to play along as far as she could, just to keep him calm. He seemed so relaxed, almost delirious while he was talking about the baby.

"And…?" Lou inquired.

"What do you think of the name Marion?" Jack asked for her opinion. It dawned on Lou that her grandfather with Alzheimer's thought she was her own late grandmother, Lyndy, and that she was pregnant with her mother, Marion. This wasn't the first time, but it was always a bit shocking to her. Lou knew she and her grandmother resembled each other, but the fact that it had been years from her death and more importantly from her mother's birth, made it harder for Lou. Jack was living somewhere far in the past and she knew that the further he went, the more he faded away. Lou didn't know how to respond to that.

Jack closed the fridge door and focused back to Lou, noticing she was looking down. Lou tried it hard to keep it together.

"What's wrong?" Jack asked.

"It's nothing", Lou tried to smile it off. "Marion sounds beautiful."

Jack smiled. There was a brief silence in the room.

"I think I left the water running in the bathroom. I should go and shut it off", Jack said. Lou knew this was all coming from that mysterious place inside of his brain where all these inconsistencies did. There was no water, he had not been in the bathroom and he had nowhere to be. Usually Jack forgot what he was doing when he was on his way to the place "he was supposed to be at" and started doing something else. The only thing that seemed to hold his attention long enough these days was building fishing lures.

"Okay", Lou said. When Jack left the room, Lou walked to the fridge and took the misplaced pan out from the fridge. His condition was getting worse. It was obvious he couldn't remember the simplest things anymore - like where one would place a clean pan.

Lou was lying on her side in the bed that night. She felt the mattress moving as Peter crawled in. He sighed out of exhaustion and then shuffled behind Lou to give a kiss on her shoulder.

"How was the dinner?" Peter asked and put his arms around his wife. Peter had been taking care of the girls while Lou had visited Heartland.

It took some time for Lou to reply.

"I think we don't have much time left", she just said.

"What do you mean?"

"Grandpa. He's getting worse. He thought I was grandma - again."

Peter could tell Lou was really upset.

"And I just… I know it's coming and I know it's inevitable, but… it's just so unfair", Lou sniveled. "I don't know if he's going to be around here when the baby is born. And in the end… I don't know if it even matters. He won't be here anymore anyway, not mentally. He might hold the baby, but he won't know it's his first great-grandson. I feel so selfish for saying that…" she swallowed down the lump in her throat.

"No, no…" Peter caressed her arm and gently pressed his chin on her shoulder. "I get it. He's been a great great-grandfather to the girls. And I'd love it if he was here for the baby too. It's not selfish. I think the junior would be blessed to have a man like him in his life. I know we all are. If it was up to me, everyone would have their own personal Jack Bartlett in their lives. World needs more men like him."

Lou slowly turned on her back and looked at Peter.

"I know we kind of decided on the name already but… what do you think of the name Jackson…?" Lou asked. Peter looked into her eyes.

"I think… it's perfect."

"Yeah…?"

"Yeah", he smiled warmly. "Jackson Fleming-Morris."

It made Lou cry and smile at the same time. Peter pressed a kiss on her lips. It would be an honor to have their son named after a great man like Jack.


	4. Chapter 4

Tim peered inside Maggie's through the window, wondering if Lou was working today. He was in town and in desperate need of coffee, but was also trying to avoid anyone that was part of the Bartlett family.

He saw Lou serving customers behind the counter in her pink uniform and decided that even if Maggie's served the best coffee in town - thanks to that coffee machine he had gotten them -, he was still going to get his coffee someplace else today. It wasn't worth facing her daughter and her pestering him with questions.

Just as Tim was about to turn around, he bumped into someone.

"Hey, watch it", he heard a familiar voice say. It was Ty. The younger man was just about to exit the diner after having a lunch. "Tim."

"Hey, Ty", Tim nodded and lowered his gaze, already feeling ashamed about his actions even though he thought he had been so clever about them all this time and didn't think anyone had even noticed what he was doing.

"You going in?" Ty asked and pointed his thumb toward the place.

"Ah, actually, I just remembered there was this thing I had to go to and I…" he started his poor excuse and let his hands finish the sentence by pointing them to different directions. Ty's eyes narrowed and he studied Tim's behavior, already slowly figuring him out.

"Haven't seen you around Heartland lately", Ty pointed out, getting to the root of the problem. Tim quickly checked Ty's face to see what kind of speech he would have to put up this time.

"Well, you know me, I'm a busy guy", he laughed nervously.

"The girls sure miss you", Ty said.

"Yeah. I miss them too, but I can never stay too long and Caleb has things under control, so…" Tim said. He had never been much of a man to give Caleb any credit, so something was definitely fishy here.

"But Caleb's an ex-rodeo cowboy, not a farmer", Ty pointed out.

"Well, so am I. And I did good", Tim said.

"You sure this doesn't have anything to do with Jack?" Ty decided cut to the chase.

"Jack? Wh-why would it?" Tim stammered. It was enough to give Ty the confirmation. Ever since Jack's condition had worsened, Tim had no longer stepped inside the house. It was something Ty would have been thankful for if it had happened years ago, but since it wasn't about respecting his wishes to have his home as his own, but instead avoiding Jack and everything he was going through, it made Tim seem like a coward. Not that Ty had ever thought of him as anything else.

"Because as you know, he is getting worse", Ty said and watched Tim's reaction. The cowboy pulled his chin down to his chest and seemed to be in distress. "And it would really mean a lot–"

"Don't you think I don't know that?" Tim hissed at him then. Ty waited. He saw that Tim was just about to get something off his chest. "That I don't know what goes inside those walls? That I wouldn't wanna be there and be a man enough to face as my—"

"As your…?" Ty urged him on.

"My… only friend is dying…" Tim finally admitted.

"He's not dead yet. He's not gone yet", Ty said and squeezed Tim's shoulder. He was running out of time and needed to get back to the clinic. "I gotta go. But just think about that."

Tim stood there, feeling paralyzed by his own words. Yes, Jack was his only friend, as sad as it was. A friend that had stuck with him all these years, knowing all the dirt he had on his hands but still inviting him over his threshold. And Tim couldn't face the thought of having no friends at all, even though he was already slowly burying himself into that kind of situation on his own.

Tim looked at Maggie's again and then turned around. He wasn't going to drink his coffee there today. He didn't feel like talking to Lou.

Jack woke up from his nap. He looked around and realized he must have dozed off while sitting on his chair and listening the clock ticking away on this slow afternoon. But what he didn't know was what had woken him up. He just knew something was going on. He had that feeling a lot, but he could never really put his finger on it.

The old man walked around the living room, looking for clues, until he heard noises from the kitchen.

"Lisa…?" Jack said. It was one of his moments of clarity. He remembered his wife, her working in the kitchen and making chili for the whole family. He remembered his proposal and their wedding. He remembered most things that every other man would remember about his wife. He felt connected to the world and grateful for it.

Jack walked to the kitchen, but instead of seeing Lisa baking a pie - or rather trying it and then somehow succeeding in burning it -, he saw a worn out hat on the table and an old cowboy making coffee.

"Tim…?" Jack voiced.

Tim turned around and felt nervous about facing the man who was fading out of his reach. So Jack did remember who he was… Tim put up an alarmed smile and raised a mug in his hand to give Jack some visuals.

"Feel like having a coffee?" he asked.

"Sure", Jack nodded and took a seat. And even though this probably did not mean much to Jack, because he could hardly remember when Tim had been here the last time, it meant everything to Tim. To have Jack still accept him as part of the family, even though he was nowhere near as worthy of his friendship as he should have been. Things were still as they had always been.


	5. Chapter 5

Tim peered inside Maggie's through the window, wondering if Lou was working today. He was in town and in desperate need of coffee, but was also trying to avoid anyone that was part of the Bartlett family.

He saw Lou serving customers behind the counter in her pink uniform and decided that even if Maggie's served the best coffee in town - thanks to that coffee machine he had gotten them -, he was still going to get his coffee someplace else today. It wasn't worth facing her daughter and her pestering him with questions.

Just as Tim was about to turn around, he bumped into someone.

"Hey, watch it", he heard a familiar voice say. It was Ty. The younger man was just about to exit the diner after having a lunch. "Tim."

"Hey, Ty", Tim nodded and lowered his gaze, already feeling ashamed about his actions even though he thought he had been so clever about them all this time and didn't think anyone had even noticed what he was doing.

"You going in?" Ty asked and pointed his thumb toward the place.

"Ah, actually, I just remembered there was this thing I had to go to and I…" he started his poor excuse and let his hands finish the sentence by pointing them to different directions. Ty's eyes narrowed and he studied Tim's behavior, already slowly figuring him out.

"Haven't seen you around Heartland lately", Ty pointed out, getting to the root of the problem. Tim quickly checked Ty's face to see what kind of speech he would have to put up this time.

"Well, you know me, I'm a busy guy", he laughed nervously.

"The girls sure miss you", Ty said.

"Yeah. I miss them too, but I can never stay too long and Caleb has things under control, so…" Tim said. He had never been much of a man to give Caleb any credit, so something was definitely fishy here.

"But Caleb's an ex-rodeo cowboy, not a farmer", Ty pointed out.

"Well, so am I. And I did good", Tim said.

"You sure this doesn't have anything to do with Jack?" Ty decided cut to the chase.

"Jack? Wh-why would it?" Tim stammered. It was enough to give Ty the confirmation. Ever since Jack's condition had worsened, Tim had no longer stepped inside the house. It was something Ty would have been thankful for if it had happened years ago, but since it wasn't about respecting his wishes to have his home as his own, but instead avoiding Jack and everything he was going through, it made Tim seem like a coward. Not that Ty had ever thought of him as anything else.

"Because as you know, he is getting worse", Ty said and watched Tim's reaction. The cowboy pulled his chin down to his chest and seemed to be in distress. "And it would really mean a lot–"

"Don't you think I don't know that?" Tim hissed at him then. Ty waited. He saw that Tim was just about to get something off his chest. "That I don't know what goes inside those walls? That I wouldn't wanna be there and be a man enough to face as my—"

"As your…?" Ty urged him on.

"My… only friend is dying…" Tim finally admitted.

"He's not dead yet. He's not gone yet", Ty said and squeezed Tim's shoulder. He was running out of time and needed to get back to the clinic. "I gotta go. But just think about that."

Tim stood there, feeling paralyzed by his own words. Yes, Jack was his only friend, as sad as it was. A friend that had stuck with him all these years, knowing all the dirt he had on his hands but still inviting him over his threshold. And Tim couldn't face the thought of having no friends at all, even though he was already slowly burying himself into that kind of situation on his own.

Tim looked at Maggie's again and then turned around. He wasn't going to drink his coffee there today. He didn't feel like talking to Lou.

Jack woke up from his nap. He looked around and realized he must have dozed off while sitting on his chair and listening the clock ticking away on this slow afternoon. But what he didn't know was what had woken him up. He just knew something was going on. He had that feeling a lot, but he could never really put his finger on it.

The old man walked around the living room, looking for clues, until he heard noises from the kitchen.

"Lisa…?" Jack said. It was one of his moments of clarity. He remembered his wife, her working in the kitchen and making chili for the whole family. He remembered his proposal and their wedding. He remembered most things that every other man would remember about his wife. He felt connected to the world and grateful for it.

Jack walked to the kitchen, but instead of seeing Lisa baking a pie - or rather trying it and then somehow succeeding in burning it -, he saw a worn out hat on the table and an old cowboy making coffee.

"Tim…?" Jack voiced.

Tim turned around and felt nervous about facing the man who was fading out of his reach. So Jack did remember who he was… Tim put up an alarmed smile and raised a mug in his hand to give Jack some visuals.

"Feel like having a coffee?" he asked.

"Sure", Jack nodded and took a seat. And even though this probably did not mean much to Jack, because he could hardly remember when Tim had been here the last time, it meant everything to Tim. To have Jack still accept him as part of the family, even though he was nowhere near as worthy of his friendship as he should have been. Things were still as they had always been.


	6. Chapter 6

"Is this warm enough for you?" Ty asked after adding more firewood to the hearth. Jack was sitting on the couch, while Ty was knelt in front of the fireplace. The old man looked at the fire and nodded a little.

"Yes, that's good. Thank you", he had a gentle smile on his face. Ty smiled back and stood up. Jack stared at the fire, lost in thought.

"It's kind of quiet in here, don't you think?" Ty asked. "But I guess it's only natural, since the kids are with Amy and Lisa, buying things for Christmas. Can't believe another year has gone by. Wasn't it January just yesterday", he talked, mostly to himself, because he knew Jack had hard time keeping up, because a lot of times the names were lost on him and he couldn't really tell what time it was. But Ty felt like he still wanted to keep him in the loop.

"Sure is", Jack said. "But it's nice to be here, just you and I."

He looked tired, which was another reason why Ty was pleased the kids weren't around. He loved them dearly, but they could make awful lot of noise when they wanted to, and being so young, they could hardly stay still. Sometimes Ty felt sorry for Jack, because he still had to deal with constant noise when he could have used some rest and silence. But Jack didn't seem to mind - in fact he always reminded them it kept his spirit young when he saw the younger generation doing their every day business.

"Would you like some tea? I could make us some", Ty offered.

"Sure. That'd be nice", Jack said.

"Okay. Will be right back."

Ty then went and got the tea pot ready.

"Amy said Mallory would be coming home for Christmas", he talked to Jack from the kitchen. "I bet she's happy to see you. Guess she misses the snow as well. Can't blame her; living in France must be so different when you're used to the climate in Canada. She said she had some exciting news to tell us. We were trying to guess what it was. I think she might be coming back to Canada for good. Amy thinks she might be pregnant. Maybe it's about both."

Ty took out the mugs.

"Could you imagine that? Mallory - pregnant? I can still remember when she was just annoying little girl who couldn't shut up. She still can't, but at least she's less annoying", Ty laughed at himself, shaking his head. It has been a while since they've talked, but they still kept in touch every now and then. "God, it's been a while. I wonder if the kids are able to remember her. Probably not. But they have time to get to know her now. Amy said Mallory and Jake are thinking of staying around for few weeks. Maybe over New Year's."

Ty poured the hot water to the cups and prepared the teas.

"Okay, your tea is coming right up."

Ty walked to the living room and watched the old man sitting on the couch. He was still facing the fire and seemed like he had dozed off. It happened throughout the day and usually they just let him rest. Jack slept less and less during nights and got up at unusual times, thinking it was day and he was supposed to go get the herd from the back field, until someone reminded him there were no cows and it was the middle of the night.

"Jack? You awake?" Ty asked. No answer. A different kind of feeling took over Ty. It was like a hunch of something else in the air.

He held the cups and stood next to the couch, staring at the old man. His eyes were closed and his head was tilted toward his right shoulder. It looked like he was sleeping, but the longer Ty stared at him, the more he felt like the old man wasn't actually breathing.

He put down the mugs and walked over to him, being careful not to wake him if it actually turned out he was only sleeping.

"Jack…?" Ty tried, but some part of him already knew that he couldn't hear him. The younger man gave Jack's shoulder a nudge, but there was no response. Jack had always slept pretty lightly so usually this would be enough to jolt him up. Ty waited, stared him a while, until he put his index finger and middle finger against his neck, feeling his pulse. But there was none. He took his hand and wondered if he could feel it from his wrist.

Nothing.

Ty felt weird, because Jack's body was warm and it looked like he was only sleeping, but this time Jack was really not here. He had not always been here during these last few years, but this time he was really gone. They had talked about this moment with everyone. Jack had gathered them around and asked that if his heart stopped or he was no longer breathing, he didn't want them to perform him CPR. When it was his time, it was his time. No cheating death, he had insisted.

So this was it. Ty was just supposed to stand back and just let him go, even when every fiber in his body was desperate to pull him back. What was he supposed to do now? Just wait? Wait for what? He knew he was supposed to call someone, but it felt like he didn't want to. Not yet. That would mean they would take Jack away from here, from his home. But he belonged here, so how could Ty allow that.

Ty sat down to Jack's old arm chair and watched him, trying to realize what had happened. It felt strange, to have him there but know that it was just his body without the soul. Should he have spoken something different had he know it would be the last thing he would ever say to Jack? Maybe. Maybe not. It was eerie to think he had been in the same room when Jack had taken his final breath. He looked peaceful, so maybe he had gone quietly. At least he had not heard anything.

Before he knew it, Ty started to tremble and a cry was pushing its way out, yet the tears didn't well on his eyes, even if he wanted them to. He had never known Heartland without Jack. How could it ever be the same without him there?

He sighed and rubbed his eyes violently. Come on, cry now! Show him how much he meant to you. But nothing came out. Ty got up and felt frustrated with himself. He paced around the room and breathed heavily through his nose. He didn't want to do this. He didn't want to be the one with this kind of responsibility. Not be the person to break everyone the news.

But then, after a while, some kind of strength took hold of him and he turned to Jack.

"You don't need to worry, Jack", Ty spoke. "I will take care of everyone, I promise. You showed me the ropes and I will try to do my best with what I learned. I know I'll never be as good as you, but… I'll try."

He heard a truck outside and walked to the kitchen. Lisa, Amy and the kids were back. Ty felt nervous and his skin started to itch. Cold sweat pushed through and his ears were ringing. Ty walked up to the sink and splashed cold water on his face, as he checked the others at the yard. Lisa and Amy were unloading the car.

"No, no, I got it, I got it", Lisa insisted, trying to balance the bags in her hands. The truck was filled with food, decorations and other things they needed for Christmas.

"Are you sure? I have my hands free", Amy pointed out. The children were shoveling snow inside each others' coats, taking turns in laughing and whining about it.

"Yeah yeah. Besides you have to carry the turkey. It's much more important and you need both of your hands for it. That bird is massive", Lisa laughed. Amy chuckled and saw Ty stepping outside to the porch. She was smiling and about to wave at him, when she noticed he didn't look that well.

"Daddy! Guess what we got?!" one of the kids was yelling, but Ty didn't respond. It was like he couldn't even hear what they had asked. Amy knew something was wrong. She left the turkey be and walked up to him. "Dad?"

"Ty…? What's wrong?" she asked, fearing the worst. "Is grandpa… Is grandpa okay…?" was her first question. Ty looked at her, and even if his lips didn't let anything out, his eyes did. "No… no… no…" Amy whimpered and Ty wrapped his arms on her shoulders to keep her calm.

"Amy. Ty. What's wrong?" Lisa came up to them and exchanged a worried look. Ty couldn't bring himself to look at Jack's wife, so he just stared down, holding himself together. It didn't took Lisa long to sense it was about Jack. She dropped her bags on the porch and ran inside. Ty brought his hands to cover up his face, feeling sick. How could they just go inside and witness as Lisa's whole world was crumbling down?

"Please don't let the kids inside", Ty forced himself to say with a frail voice, just before they heard Lisa's loud cry from inside.


	7. Chapter 7

Caleb slid the barn door open. The faint light above blinded him for a second before the picture started getting clearer. He could feel several eyes on him as he stepped inside the barn. Most of the horses were still asleep, but he could see Paint bringing his big head over the stall door as he switched on the light.

"Hey, boy", Caleb smiled faintly and walked over the old horse. His coat was beginning to turn gray and his eyes were more tired than alerted. "Big day for you tomorrow, huh?"

Caleb gave him a scratch behind his ear and stayed with him. He could remember Amy making fun of him ever since he had started to learn to talk to horses and show them extra affection after realizing they were more than just "work buddies" for most people. Shorty had always been his friend too. And this horse, Paint, had lost his companion only two weeks ago. The light in the horse's eyes had started to fade as he realized Jack no longer visited the barn like he always had. It had never felt like this before, not even when Jack had visited France or Arizona.

"Yeah… You just rest today", Caleb told him.

Caleb sighed and looked around. He could hear Jack's voice telling him to get to work already, there was so much to do and the list would only get longer the more he waited. Caleb smiled a little and gave Paint one last look before getting to work.

After cleaning up the stalls, feeding the horses and taking some of them out, Caleb walked to the ranch house, giving the door a knock. He had not knocked on this door for years, but these days it seemed like it was polite thing to do. Somehow after Jack's death, the house had began to feel different. All the rules that were set for him and everyone else, had been set by Jack. Right now Caleb was sort of lost with what he was supposed to do. Until he'd know, he would choose the polite approach.

Lisa walked to the door, clenching a tissue in her hand. She saw a figure through the screen door and stood in the hallway for a moment as she realized it was a cowboy. But soon she understood it was not her cowboy. It couldn't be, not anymore, now matter how much she wished for it.

Opening the door, she was greeted with Caleb's familiar face. Maybe the knocking had threw her off. No one ever knocked around here, unless they were strangers. Everyone always just stormed in and walked up to the fridge like they lived here. Jack had never minded that, because his home was welcoming for many.

"Caleb. Morning", Lisa said, blinking her red eyes. Her glance dropped as she barely had strength to talk. These past few weeks had felt like a really long day that never ended.

"Ma'am", Caleb said and took off his hat. "Can I come in?"

"Sure. Of course", Lisa took few steps back and gestured Caleb to come inside. "How are you?"

"I'm good, thanks. How… are you..?" Caleb asked, not sure if he should even ask her that. What kind of a response could she possibly give him besides something that was sad. Lisa didn't answer, but instead she made a hopeless face, to which Caleb replied with an understanding nod. "So… I was hoping to make sure we're still up for tomorrow."

"Tomorrow…?" Lisa asked, trying to remember what they had talked about. She knew what day was tomorrow, how could she forget. It was going to be the day she'd say her last goodbyes to the man she had loved with all her heart and would always adore.

The arrangements had been hard. For a woman who loved arranging everything, she had become like a complete opposite of her past self, being very reluctant to talk about anything that involved flowers, food or decorations. The only good thing was that she had had Lou and Amy to help her, so she wouldn't have to make all the decisions on her own. Lisa was tired of choosing and knowing what was supposed to be done, so in the process she had forgotten what Caleb and she had agreed on somewhere along the way.

"That I'm going to be leading Paint as he pulls the sleigh with Jack's… casket", Caleb said carefully. Lisa closed her eyes and sighed. Oh yes. That.

"Right. Well, we're still on. We agreed with Amy and Lou that it would be fitting for Paint to…" Lisa felt like choking, so she walked up to the kitchen and took a glass of water, putting down the tissue. Caleb followed her, but stayed by the doorway. "To… take him to his last journey."

"Okay. Good. I'll come early, so I can trailer him and drive to the church to, well, you know", Caleb said, fiddling his hat. Lisa nodded and drank more water when the dryness in her mouth became unbearable. Caleb lingered around. He wanted to make sure Lisa would be alright.

"Are you… alone?" Caleb asked.

"Yeah. Amy and Ty took the kids to Maggie's. They wanted for them to have fun today, since tomorrow will be… difficult", was the word she chose to use. Caleb nodded.

"Do you want me to stay?" Caleb offered.

"No. It's fine. I'll be fine", she smiled, appreciating his offer.

"Okay…" Caleb took a step back, but stopped then. "Mrs Bartlett…"

"Please", Lisa brought her hand up. "Just call me Lisa. We've know for years, Caleb, no need to be so formal."

It was one of the reasons she didn't want to hear it, and the other one was that a name that used to bring her so much happiness, only made her sad now, and she couldn't take any more sorrow.

"Lisa…" Caleb echoed. Lisa nodded. "I hate to talk about this, 'cause I know this is such a bad timing, but since the year is ending, I need to know if I'll be able to pay my rent and bills next year as well. What I'm trying to say… or ask is… do I still have my job here?"

"Wha-what do you mean?" Lisa was confused.

"Well, I like helping around. Jack always had something for me to do… And I'm just wondering if I'm still a ranch hand here even after–"

"Caleb", Lisa stopped him right there. She kept Caleb on his toes. "Of course you have your job here. You are a life saver. Amy has so much work with the horses, Ty's busy with the clinic and… well, I might need a while until I'm back at my feet. I'd love it if you'd stayed."

Caleb smiled. A relief crept over his face.

"And besides… you're not just a ranch hand", Lisa said and put down her glass of water. "You're family."

Lisa walked over to Caleb. The last few months had made her even more aware how precious time together was and how she shouldn't be wasting it with people that weren't good for her.

"You were always family for Jack and you continue to be family to me too. Besides, having you around here is what Jack would have wanted. And this is still his house and his ranch, just as much as it's mine. That will never change. I don't feel right welcoming any strangers in my life right now, so I prefer to keep you around, if you want", Lisa spoke. She felt Jack closer whenever she had to think what he would do if he was there.

"Thank you, Mrs– Lisa", Caleb said. "I will do my very best to honor the work Jack did with this place and everything he taught me."

Lisa smiled, tears glistening in her eyes.

"He was a good man", Caleb added.

"Yeah, he was…" Lisa said, feeling like crumbling inside as she realized she was beginning to get used to the past tense. Caleb noticed her absence and surprised her with a friendly hug. It took a while before Lisa reacted, but after few seconds, she wrapped her arms around him and closed her eyes.

Maybe he could stay a little while. After all, she was going to be alone a lot from now on, so why choose it voluntarily when she had a choice not to be.


	8. Chapter 8

Mallory opened the door at Maggie's and looked around. It felt like she had not been away more than few days, even though some things had changed since she used to work at this very diner. The customers however were old familiar faces, with only few new additions. Cowboy hats and plaid everywhere, just like the good old days. It did make her smile a bit as she wondered if any of them remembered her or had she not even grown at all in their eyes.

Walking over to the counter, Mallory put down her heavy handbag and felt relieved to get it off of her shoulder. She had tried to stuff as many things as possible into her hand luggage, because after traveling around Europe and finally settling down for few years, she had ended up with a lot of souvenirs and items that she could have not found from Canada, but things that she could not get rid of either for sentimental reasons.

"Oh my god, Mallory!" Lou's eyes fixed on the tiny young woman as she was just about to make another pot of coffee. Mallory looked up and noticed her old boss and her old family friend coming toward her.

"Lou", she smiled right back. Lou went around the counter so she could properly hug her former employee. "So good to see you!"

"So good to see you too!" Lou squeezed her into a hug, then quickly taking a step back and looking down. "Oh, what's that I'm feeling?" There was a small baby bump underneath Mallory's sweater. "Mallory! You're pregnant!"

"Yeah", she giggled. No matter how many times she heard someone say it, it never got old. Mallory had always loved kids and having one of her own had always been a dream of hers. Finally she and Jake had been ready to have another family member added to their little family and here they were, looking for a place of their own, closer to the rest of their people.

"Oh my god, congratulations!" Lou hugged her again. She was thrilled for her. After having Mallory as a babysitter for years, she knew her former neighbor could take care of a child of her own with no trouble at all. "Looks like you might need a babysitter of your own soon then, huh?"

"Yeah? Know anyone?" she joked, making Lou laugh.

"Not since I lost the best one", Lou complimented. "So, when are you due?"

"I'm due in three months", Mallory told her. "We wanted to come back and live in Canada, since we wanted to provide the same kind of childhood for the little one as well."

"That's amazing, I'm so happy for you guys", Lou was exhilarated to feel something positive for a change. "So, you're back for good now?"

"Yup. We are on our way to visit Heartland, though", Mallory said, watching Lou. She noticed - and had anticipated - her reaction. The happiness faded from her face quickly and in came a brave fake smile she must have practiced for weeks now. Lou nodded.

"Oh, okay."

"How is everyone?"

"Well, you know, not that good", Lou shrugged. Mallory nodded sympathetically.

"I still can't believe it…" Mallory said.

"Yeah. Me neither", Lou felt like choking again, so she decided to distract herself in order to keep up with the appearances. "You feel like having coffee - or is it just tea for now?"

"Actually, I was hoping we could take some of that famous Saskatoon Berry Pie to Lisa", Mallory said. "So we don't come up both unannounced and empty-handed. Would you happen to have any?"

"Yeah, of course", Lou said and went behind the counter. "Let me get that for you."

Mallory started going through her handbag and pulled out random objects to be laid on the table. Where was her wallet…

"How to Get Over the Loss of a Loved One?" Lou read the cover of the book that Mallory had put on the table in order to go through her things better. Mallory looked up and glanced at the book too. "Still into self-help books, I see."

"This is an old one. I just found it not too long ago when we were packing stuff and I thought I'd keep it. My mom gave it to me when we lost our first goldfish", Mallory told her. Lou tried not to chuckle. Mallory had grown up, but she had not changed that much.

"So, one Saskatoon Berry Pie. Here you go", she brought the neatly decorated cardboard box to her and they exchanged money. Meanwhile Jake walked in, holding a bouquet of flowers.

"You ready up in here, baby?" Jake asked and put his hand gently on Mallory's back. Mallory looked over her shoulder and nodded.

"Almost." She started packing her things back to her handbag.

"Oh hey, Jake. Good to see you too", Lou said as she returned with the exchange money. Jake was still wearing his cowboy hat and denim clothes, but he had become even more taller. Once upon a time he used to be shorter than Mallory. That had been ages ago now, though.

"You too, Lou", he nodded and smiled kindly. He looked around quickly. "Looks like the business is booming."

"Well, it's the Holiday season. People love to come to Alberta and spend an authentic Canadian Christmas and New Year's", Lou explained.

"That's good", Jake nodded, impressed. "I guess we'll be see you later."

"Hope so. Oh, you guys should come for a visit. Me and Peter and the girls have a house of our now", Lou said. "We could totally fit you into our guest room. Even with the baby", she added with a smile.

"We'll do", Mallory said happily. "Right, Jake?"

"Oh, yeah, for sure", Jake echoed. "Have a good day now, Lou", he spoke, touching the brim of his cowboy hat and then helped Mallory with the pie.

"You got it?" Mallory checked.

"Yeah. Don't worry."

"Bye", Lou waved a little, watching as the young couple left the diner.

After having coffee and a slice of pie - or in Mallory's case two slices, because "she was eating for two" - Lisa, Mallory and Jake sat down on the living room couch, still talking about their life in France because Lisa wanted to hear every detail about their years abroad, especially because she was so familiar with the country and wanted to go back there if not only in her mind.

"So, you thinking of going to France anytime soon then?" Mallory asked as Jake adjusted his arm behind her shoulders. Lisa sat down on her own arm chair, pondering the answer.

"Maybe. I do miss it. After Jack's diagnose we wanted to stay home. You know, just so he wouldn't get more confused. Routines were important to him", Lisa explained. Mallory nodded, understanding it completely. She felt guilty not coming home sooner, even though they had been up-to-date with Jack's condition. But somehow life had got busy and they had had commitments. Things back home had been the last thing on their mind at times. Mallory hoped that Jack had not been too angry about it. Few postcards and some longer letters were not enough to cover it, but at least they had been better than nothing, she hoped.

Mallory's eyes drifted to Jack's arm chair. How many times had he sat there and taught her something important about life or about herself. He had always been there for her, no matter how many times she had screwed up and how annoying she had been.

"I can't believe he's gone…" Mallory said.

"Yeah… I know", Lisa looked at the chair too. No one had dared to sit on it since Jack and no one probably would. It was like it was only stored for him anyway and would go unused for now on. But Lisa would never get rid of it. It was part of this house.

"So… how was your Christmas?" Mallory asked, changing the subject a little bit. She could see stockings hanging on the hearth and noticed few Christmas decorations here and there - but nowhere nearly as many to the count she and Lou used to spread around every Christmas.

"Well, close to being cancelled… We didn't really feel like celebrating that much since…" Lisa got chocked up again, but shook her head to get rid of the feeling. "But we ate and exchanged presents, if only for the kids, but… it just wasn't the same."

Mallory nodded. She could understand the reasoning. The stockings looked a bit sad now, even though they were bright colored and had happy words written on them. "Jake, have you heard about the family stones?"

"Family stones?" Jake repeated. "Can't say that I have."

"It's about time that you do then", Mallory said and got up. Jake was making sure she got up alright with her belly, gently keeping her back bend a bit back. She walked over to the fire place and took her time to recall which stone belonged to which, all the way from Samuel Bartlett. Mallory then went through the family tree stone by stone, before reaching Amy's. "I know this is Katie and this is Shane" touching their stones, "but… which ones are Ty and Amy's kids?"

"These", Lisa came for help, touching two stones. She looked at them and thought it was a truly wonderful tradition. Even if Jack was no longer with them, he would be forever in these foundations and his name would live on. "Oh, I almost forgot. Hang on a minute."

Mallory watched as Lisa disappeared to her and Jack's bedroom and meanwhile returned to the couch, where Jake took her back under his arm, giving a soft kiss on her temple.

"That's pretty cool", Jake commented smiling and looked at the hearth.

"Yeah…"

Mallory felt good about being home to her family and to these familiar surroundings. France had been amazing, but something about these modest settings were much more closer to her heart. This was where she had spent so many great years. Maybe even her best years.

"Here", Lisa returned with a little case and handed it to Mallory. "Jack wanted you to have it."

"What is it?" Mallory was confused.

"Look inside. I don't really know what's the meaning of it, he could be pretty out of it at times, but it seemed important to him, so I thought you should have it - just in case it meant something to you", Lisa talked as Mallory opened the little case. Inside, a mechanical pencil was carefully laid out as a present.

"Oh my gosh…" Mallory sighed and felt tears burning her eyes. This was like a message from Jack behind the grave or something.

"It's a… a pencil…?" Jake was confused. He had given Mallory millions of roses, many jewelries and who knows what else, but had never gotten this kind of reaction. Maybe he had come to it from the wrong way…

"It's not just a pencil. It's a _mechanical_ pencil. _My_ mechanical pencil. I thought I had lost it", Mallory said and took it out. Jake and Lisa exchanged confused looks before Mallory realized they must have looked a bit crazy, both her and Jack. "Okay, well, you're in for another story…" she said and smiled through her tears. "Long ago, I think I was like thirteen or something, I was here at Heartland and Jack was going through his will…"

She then continued on with the story about the day when Jack had gone through his will - in which Mallory had been added to that very day along with Ty - and she had found out Jack's real name, Jackson Bartlett.


	9. Chapter 9

The cloudless Alberta sky was ideal for stargazing, especially in a winter night like this. Georgie had checked the temperature and humidity conditions earlier, so she'd be prepared adequately with the right clothing for something that could take a while. The telescope that she had had for Christmas back in 2014 had been covering dust for few years now, but seemed like it was still working fine after few adjustments. Right now she just had to recall the trails that would lead her where she wanted to look.

"My, haven't seen that thing for years", Peter walked out and startled Georgie. He was holding two thermos mugs and walking toward his daughter and her telescope.

"Peter, you scared me…" Georgie sighed.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to. Just saw you from the kitchen and figured you might want something warm to drink", he handed her the other mug. "So what'ya doing here? It's freezing!" the father laughed a little and bundled up inside his coat as the breath clouds scaled toward the sky.

"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm stargazing", Georgie explained a took a sip of the hot chocolate. She could feel the warm shivers run through her body, making the cold seem even colder.

"But couldn't you do it some other time? I've only been here like two minutes and I'm already numb from this breeze…"

"Are you suggesting I'd go stargazing during a day…?"

"Well no, of course not, but… it's like -25'C in here!"

"I'm not a wimp. The cold doesn't bother me", Georgie shrugged. Her words made Peter have a quick flashbacks about the song Katie had been singing ever since she and Georgie had watched that Disney movie about that ice queen and her sister. Frozen, or something.

"You're stronger than you're dad then", Peter admitted and wrapped his hands around the mug. "So, what are you seeing? Any UFOs, unicorns?"

"No. I'm looking for a star that used to be called HD Triple 2 155", Georgie explained, feeling her chest getting heavier from the frosty air - and maybe because of some memories too.

"HD-what?" Peter echoed.

"Well, you weren't there, but I told you about it back then. It was my gift for Jack and Lisa when they had their wedding reception", Georgie said and shot her glance up in the sky. "The Jack and Lisa Star. So that, whenever Jack and Lisa are apart, they could both look up at the same star and know that they'll always be together."

"Oh, right right. I remember", Peter said and took a quick peek through the telescope. "Did you find it then?"

"Not yet. It's been a while…" Georgie spoke. Her words trailed off and it made Peter look at her. Something about her made him feel protective, and even though she was no longer a little girl, he'd never stop worrying about her.

"Is everything alright?" Peter had to ask. Georgie pursed her lips together and then looked down.

"It's just… I don't know, it's been weird."

"Weird?" Peter repeated. "Weird how?"

"Like… I've never known anyone who has died. I know my parents did, but… I didn't really know them, so that doesn't count."

"Well, do you wanna talk about it?" Peter worried. It was natural for a child - or a teenager - to wonder about these things. When you got older and got to know more people to whom you could potentially lose at some point, you developed this weird relationship with death where you slowly came to accept that it was just part of the circle of life.

Georgie took some time to think about it.

"How do people just disappear like that? Like, one minute they're here and the next… It's like they never existed."

"But Jack did exist. He's all around, in our memories and the places we go. Even up in the sky", Peter's eyes drifted up. Georgie looked at the stars too.

"Yeah, but nobody talks about him anymore. What's up with that?" Georgie was almost angry. "How can you just stop talking about someone, like he didn't matter–"

She had to stop, because she felt out of breath. The anger was choking her up. Peter could see she was really upset and caressed her shoulder.

"It's like everyone wants to just move on, like nothing ever happened…"

"No one wants to move on, but we have to. Sometimes… the hurt is just too much. You can't talk, you can't even breathe because it hurts so much. I'm sure we all miss him so much. Just because we don't talk about him, doesn't mean we wouldn't think about him. It might take a while until we can even say his name out loud without it making us sad", Peter tried to explain.

"That doesn't make me sad… He doesn't make me sad. The fact that everyone avoids talking about him makes me sad…" Georgie sniffled.

"Well, I'm here, honey. If you wanna talk, I'm here", Peter wrapped his arm around his daughter and pressed her gently against him. "Mom… Lou, she has it hard right now. Jack was her rock. And it's hard to mourn when the person that helped you mourn before is gone. I try my best, but… I'm not Jack. Right now, she's trying to learn to live without him. She has never known a world without Jack in it. That's why I don't wanna bring it up, because… I don't want to see her sad. Not because I wouldn't miss Jack."

Georgie nodded a little.

"I just feel like he's here. That he's watching over us. Like that star. We might not see it all the time, sometimes there are clouds that prevents us from seeing it, but then there are nights when the star is vivid as ever", Georgie talked. Peter nodded. It was a good metaphor. "I was lying on my bed and I just… missed talking to him, so I took out the recorder that we used when we were traveling and it was like he was here." There was a hint of a smile on Georgie's face. "I've heard those same stories about Arizona thousand times over, but I just never get bored with them."

"I think that's pretty nice that you have that recorder. And this… telescope", Peter smiled too. "And all the pictures on your shelf - even the Family Tree on Katie's bedroom wall."

"Yeah…" Georgie said. They were quiet for a while. "What do you think happens after you die?"

Peter thought about it. He didn't really have that much ideas what happened to the supposed soul everyone had, but being the rational and down to Earth guy that he was, he just figured people stopped existing and that was that. But he couldn't say that out loud, it was too depressing thought to share with his grieving daughter.

"Well, what do you think happens when we die?"

"Well, Katie and I were watching all those Disney movies together and we watched The Lion King, and… I don't know, I just really liked the thought that we all turn into stars. Like… we'd all be up there, looking down and shining light upon the ones that are left behind", Georgie explained.

"That's a really nice thought", Peter nodded and looked at the stars that he could see with a bare eye. "Yeah…" he then agreed, "I think I'm going to go with that one too."

There they stood, side by side, watching the stars twinkle in a clear blue sky. After a while, the cold started to settle into their bones and their limbs got stiffer. Peter helped Georgie with the telescope as they got inside.

Later that night at bed, Georgie got stuck with a song she used to listen to a lot during nights like this - a song she had not really figured out properly, until now. When Georgie couldn't remember how it began, she started to sing the second verse quietly as she slowly fell asleep…

 _"All those times we looked up at the sky_

 _Looking out so far, it felt like we could fly_

 _And now I'm all alone in the dark of night_

 _And the moon is shining, but I can't see the light._

 _And I can't look at the stars_

 _They make me wonder where you are_

 _Stars, up on heaven's boulevard_

 _And if I know you at all, I know you've gone too far_

 _So I, I can't look at the stars."_


	10. Chapter 10

After Jack's passing, time had new meaning for Lisa. Before, it had been all about race against time, fear of not doing things that she wanted because there was not enough time in a day. But now, it was like there was nothing but time.

Especially when her body started to give up on her. Years and years of rushing, now caged by her own flesh. It would had not been that bad to lie in the bed had there been some company. But the space where Jack used to lay was still empty.

And that's when Lisa started to see time differently. Suddenly there were too many hours in the day, too many weeks in a month and too many months in a year. Nothing excited her anymore, because time no longer mattered.

Of course life went on for everybody else and she was happy to witness those moments and milestones herself, but the smile never stayed. Especially when her natural reaction was to check Jack's countenance, see those approving gentle eyes, only to remember they were there no more.

Lisa started to think about death so much that the thought no longer scared her. The fear always came from the unknown, and while she wasn't completely sure what was expecting her on the other side, she had at least became more familiar with the thought and was eventually at peace with the thought of time running out.

Or not exactly running out, but more like having an end. Because everything always ended and that had always drove her on before. But now, it was what she was expecting. She wanted time to seize for her, but not like she previously had. She no longer wanted to physically live in this time, but inside people's minds, somewhere where time didn't touch her.

It was a peace she had never know before. She had lost control and at the same time she had never been more in control.

Inside of her mind, at least.

On the outside, she needed help. Amy was there to make sure that she could get a grip on things when her hands just gave up. Or when her legs no longer carried her, Ty made sure she got to where she wanted to go. For the first time in her life, she was passive and she was beginning to realize that she could no longer fight it. Her spirit was slowly dying in this prison that had her hands and legs. She could no longer see the light behind the barless windows that Jack used to call "the husky eyes".

She was ready to let go.

"You sure you don't need anything?" Amy sat on the edge of Lisa's bed, after tugging her in. Lisa's lips curled up, but t was almost like an involuntary contraction of muscles whenever she saw people smiling or being nice to her. It was her response, but there was no feeling behind it. She felt bad about not having strength to even do something as simple as smiling to let people know that she appreciated them, even though she felt useless and hollow.

"Yeah, I'm fine", Lisa assured.

"Maybe a glass of water?" Amy offered, feeling like she wasn't doing enough.

"No, no. It's fine. Just go watch that television show you and the kids like so much. I'm just really tired and I was hoping to get some good sleep", Lisa explained.

"Okay", Amy got up and made sure Lisa was comfortably on the bed. "If you need anything, we're just in the other room with Ty."

"Okay. Thank you, dear."

"No problem", Amy said and walked to the door. She turned off the lights and closed the door gently, as Lisa drifted into a sleep.

Lisa was having a dream - though it felt more than that, just not quite like a memory or a reality. She was standing on a balcony and even though she didn't recognize the place, she knew she was somewhere in Arizona. The night was chilly and she shivered underneath her white dress that she had worn at the wedding reception. Lisa couldn't believe she could fit in that dress again, it had been years since she had even looked at that thing.

"Lis…"

Lisa turned around and saw Jack standing at the doorway. He was wearing one of his best hats and the shirt Lisa had been sleeping with for months after his death.

"Jack…?" Lisa's eyes twinkled almost as bright as the stars in the sky. "What… what are we doing here?" She couldn't remember how they got there or why were they even there.

Jack walked toward her, framing her body with his strong arms.

"Well, we never got to go before", Jack reminded.

"Yeah, we didn't, did we…" Lisa nodded, recalling it now.

"Are you cold?" Jack asked.

"Yes."

"Why don't we go inside then?" Jack suggested.

"Okay, but first… there's something I've been dying to do", Lisa stopped him and laid her hands on his cheeks, while he studied her face. She looked at him, smiling genuinely for the first time in months. "I can't believe I've forgotten how handsome you are."

"Well I'll try my best to make sure you will never forget that again", Jack joked and made Lisa laugh. "And I'll never leave you behind ever again either." It made them serious because the time apart had never been this painful, but it also comforted Lisa. The worst was now behind.

"I never realized how it must have felt for you when I was away. Of course I was lonely at those hotels and houses too, but I always filled my days with everything so I wouldn't miss you so much. Now I couldn't. You were everywhere, yet you weren't there at all. But with you, back in the day, it wasn't just about not going somewhere. You weren't actually able to go, not before you faced your fear of flying. I couldn't go now either, because… well, you were gone. And now I've come to realize it's hard to let the person you love the most go somewhere you can't follow. And I never want that for us, ever again", Lisa spoke.

"So, you'll stay with me…?"

"Yes."

Jack almost swept Lisa off her feet by pulling her into a kiss. Meanwhile Lisa let go of every tension that her body had carried these past years and just gave in. This was where she was supposed to be.

Few miles away from Heartland, Georgie was once again studying the stars. The Jack and Lisa star was still fascinating her. She knew that the star no longer actually existed, it was just a ghost of something that once was. Kind of like her memory of Jack.

Inside the Fleming-Morris house, the phone rang. Lou walked to the kitchen and took her cell from the table. The caller ID revealed it to be her sister.

"Amy, hi", Lou smiled. "What's up?"

"Lou… I have some news. Lisa's… Lisa passed away", Amy's broken voice told her from the other end. Lou brought her hand to her lips and gasped quietly.

"What…? What happened?" Lou asked.

"She went in her sleep. She seemed peaceful, at least that's what the paramedics said when they came."

"Oh my god…" Lou shook her head. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah… I'm fine, just… shocked. I guess she's with Grandpa now", Amy thought, feeling her throat closing in from the sadness.

"I guess so…" The tears started to well in Lou's eyes. The Fleming family tree had lost another branch.

Outside, Georgie closed one of her eyes and peered into the sky through the telescope. She focused the lens and let her eye admire the beauty of that distant light.

It seemed like it was brighter than it had been before


End file.
